Heartbroken

This is a very private place for me, a private place where I can rest my thoughts. Not many people know about this blogsite, but it is a place of comfort where I feel I can just be real, just be myself. And today, I am emotional.

Today I'm crying, I think that Micah is afraid of me. I don't want her to be afraid of me. I don't want to carry on a generational curse, I don't want to yell at my daughter.

I HATE looking her in the eyes and yelling. I HATE screaming out in anger.

I hold bitterness in my heart about my childhood. I don't talk much about my childhood because people say, "Oh that didn't happen, you're making that up." BUT IT DID!

I was yelled at, just like I do my daughter. NO LONGER, I tell you, NO LONGER!

I will not treat my daughter like this anymore, I know what she feels. Sure, she's only two years old, but the anger and hatred in my eyes and in my voice leave scars.

This will no longer happen. I will no longer put up a facade and parade around, acting like everything is okay. I REFUSE to cap my anger only to lose control of it. I have control, I will have control. I have to break this generational curse before I pass it on.

Innocence, I am diluting pure innocence. I am looking into her innocent eyes, into her tear-filled eyes and diluting them.

I am also still bitter about my teen years. I was sent off to Girlstown and my sister was able to live at home. She was there for the birth of our niece and nephew and I was at Girlstown. I was jealous, and at times, I still am.

She was able to build a strong relationship with our niece and nephew while I only got to see them every so often.

I have to let go, this is eating me alive.

I am not forsaken, I am not forgotten, I am not lost.
I am not abused, I am not neglected, I am not empty.