Working through...

I haven't posted a blog in quite some time, and that is because I forgot about this!

I have recently decided to continue with my dream of writing a book, and it is a much bigger challenge than I thought it would be. I have the title for it already, but I've tried to focus too much on how I'm going to write it and put it together that I've pretty much not written anything.

To regain focus, I will try to write at least a little bit a day - write what I feel, what I remember, what is going on in my life at the time. And so I will start.

Recently, I have been working through parts of my past that I have denied having an affect on my life. The truth is, a lot of my life is hindered by my denial. It wasn't an easy start into dealing with the subject, in fact, it started with a fight.

Luckily, I was not the one fighting, but my sister had lashed out at our biological mother - calling her a whore and a crack head among several other things. I think my sister has every right to be upset with our biological mother, but there is a right and a wrong way to handle things. In her defense, when you're emotionally connected to a situation, it is really hard to do things the right way and keep your emotions in check.

I wrote my sister and told her that her feelings are legitimate, but the things that happened to us before we were adopted are beyond our control and in the past. We can't change things from the past, we just have to move on with our lives. We can't control other people.

After posting this, I recieved a phone call asking what was going on with my sister. I said that I don't know, but things in the past need to be let go of.

Somehow this whole thing wound up with me hating my biological mother and not standing up for my sister. I thought that this whole situation would pass, but it actually wound up hitting me like a load of bricks.

My sister and I are adopted. There is a lot of here-and-there things that I'm not too sure of, but I do know that I was left in a playpen for days on end and was put in the hospital for malnutrition. I was abandoned.

I keep hearing that my Nana was calling Child Protective Services, that my Mimi Donna Jean wanted to adopt us but couldn't because she was a widow, and so many other confusing things, including things about my biological parents.

Recently, I hit a rough patch where I felt like I didn't deserve to be a mother. Don't get me wrong, I love my child, but motherhood is hard. Sometimes I don't have the strength that I need to have. Sometimes I'm so weak that I can't even be a foundation for myself, much less for someone else who is totally dependant on me. This is when it all hit me.

I started thinking about my child. Every time I look at my child, I wonder how anyone could abandon their own child. How can you just "forget" your child?

My child brings me so much joy on a daily basis and I can't imagine life without her. She makes me laugh when I am down or mad, she wears me out, she has such a twinkle and a spark in her eyes that every time I look at her, I love her more.

One of my biggest fears is abandoning Micah like I was abandoned.

Sometimes I'm on the computer instead of playing with her. I have seriously lost a lot of precious time that I can never reclaim - that time is lost. I mean, there are days when she spends more time with Blue's Clues than she does with me, her own mother. I carry a lot of guilt with that.

I want to be a great mom, but sometimes I feel like I'm not mom material. I have anger issues, I get frustrated easily and sometimes I yell. My child doesn't deserve to be yelled at and there is no excuse for it even though I blame it on a long day at work or being tired.

I have asked God why he chose to give me Micah. Why he chose to make me a mother. And his answer is, "I filled your heart's desire."

Ever since I was seven - which is when I found out I was adopted - I have wanted a family of my own. I have dreamed of being married and being a mother. I definately underestimated the challenge of motherhood.

I just felt so disowned when I was told that I was adopted. I wanted to feel like I belonged again. I spent years holding a grudge against my parents for telling me that I was adopted. And I never wanted my child to feel what I had felt.

At times I was an angry person, at times I was confused, and most of the time, I was heartbroken and crushed. I didn't know how to handle life from then on out.

I did have a good childhood - I was raised in a Christian home with a family who loved me very, very much. My parents sacrificed a lot for me -and they still do.

It really hurts for me to look back at how I treated them at times. I really love my parents, I was just so confused and so hurt that all I did was lash out. I know that I hurt my parents, but I also know that they still love me.

Knowing that they love me despite my lashing out makes me feel really good. They chose me and they loved me - I was their child. My mom didn't give birth to me, but she raised me in love and in kindness.

When I was 14, I was able to meet my biological parents. I became really confused at that point. My biological mother tried really hard to make herself appear innocent and make my biological father look like the bad guy. I wanted to connect with her, I wanted her to love me, so I denied that she abandoned me.

I placed all blame on my biological father, which was really unfair. I started accusing things since my biological mother was accusing. I thought that would make her love me, I thought that would make her want me, but then I realized, that I already have a mom.

The last thing I want to do is make my mom feel like I'm choosing my biological mother over her. I know that my mom has done so much for me and has been there my whole life, whereas Jackie thought she could waltz into my life, say a few pretty words, show me the dress I came home from the hospital in, give me a few of my things from the hospital and talk down on everyone else and that would make her my mom.

She's not my mom, I can tell you that much. My mom has never lied to me. Jackie, on the other hand, has not always told the truth. My mom has always been there for me where Jackie walked away. Carrying a baby and giving birth does NOT make you a mother - it takes so much more. It takes love and care and years of sacrifice, heartache, tears, joys and memories.

During a recent trip to Amarillo, I saw Jackie and let her meet Micah. It was then that I decided to cut the ties. I realized that my main point and source of confusion was Jackie and her stories. I didn't need that. I don't need her. I have walked out of her life like she walked out of mine.

I grew so tired of the confusion, tired of the lies, that I was physically and emotionally drained and strained. Since I've cut the ties, I feel a release, I feel a peace. I haven't needed her my whole life, why would I need her now?

I can't turn back time and force her to keep me. I can't turn back time and force her to feed me or spend time with me. I can't turn back time at all and I wouldn't even if I could.

Just because she was a bad mother to me does not mean that I am a bad mother to my own child. I can't let my fear of abandoning my child control my life. I know that I won't abandon my child, there is nothing to be afraid of. I have a very supportive and loving family and husband. I am not alone in this, even though it feels like it at times.

I am a good mother. I love my daughter and I provide for her. I shower her with hugs and kisses and love her with all of my heart and soul. I am constantly there for her, I help her, I teach her, I correct her, I love her and that is what it takes to be a good mother.

I am a good mother, even though Jackie was a bad mother to me, I had a wonderful mother to learn from. My mom fought for both my sister and me, she prayed for us - and still continues to pray for us, she has provided for us and loved us, disciplined us and hugged us and that is what it takes to be a good mother.

I refuse to face this battle again, because I am victorious. I am not a bad mother because of who Jackie was to me. I am a good mother because of who I am to my child.

I can now honestly look in the mirror and accept myself, faults and strengths, as a good mother, because Micah accepts me as her mommy.