In January, my husband and I celebrated 3 years of sobriety. I am a recovering Meth addict. Every time I watch "Celebrity Rehab" I see a little bit of myself in each of the patients, but especially in this last episode (Season 3's "Family Weekend".)
I look back on pictures of when I was younger and think, "How did this happen?" and it tears me up inside.
I grew up as a Preacher's Kid, my dad is an Evangelist and our family sang together in a Southern Gospel group so we traveled a lot. I knew right from wrong.
At about the age of 7, my sister and I found out we were adopted, and I think that is when we started crumbling. By the time I was 13, my sister had already moved out of the house and in with someone else. The next year, I met our biological parents and confusion really set in. When I was 15, my sister moved back. I remember nights where she was vomiting from being hung over and the stories she told me of being raped and drugged. Then I got sent away to a place called "Cal Farley's Girlstown, U.S.A." It is a place for troubled teens, but I didn't think I was troubled - my sister was and I had to take her place. I harbored ill feelings for that, and to a certain extent, still do. When I graduated, I moved back home. In 2 years, I found myself at my boyfriend's friend's house, smoking marijuana. Shortly after that, we went to a Dallas night club (rave scene) where I tried ecstasy. My boyfriend was abusive and he would put a pillow over my head and punch it, he'd get in my face cussing at me, he even raped me. He even pimped me out - I became a prostitute. I didn't want to, but it was either be a prostitute or get beat. One day, after we had broken up, he convinced me to try "liquid ecstasy." I threw up from excitement. We started smoking and I wound up smoking most by myself, with him laughing and telling me to smoke until it felt like I was rolling, then to smoke more.
That night, I had an appointment with a client - my ex boyfriend's boss. I kept blacking out and I was even convulsing at one point. When I left, my ex came to pick me up, then took me deep into Dallas to a porn store.
I remember walking in, buying a few things then going to "watch some pornography" in the private rooms. Once we got through the first two doors into the dark hallway, we saw a man who was wearing only his socks, standing in a doorway, rubbing on himself. My ex told him that if he paid for the movie, he could watch us have sex. The man quickly grabs his clothes and follows us into a room. I was told to take off my clothes and when I did, I blacked out. I woke up dazed on the floor. This continued on through the night. I felt sick, so I went to the bathroom and shoved my hand down my throat, trying to make myself throw up. When I couldn't throw up, I went back to find my ex. He led me into a room full of naked men, all stroking themselves. He told them that if they paid for the movie, they could watch us have sex. I remember being naked, having sex and looking over to see a man with bumps on his penis reaching out to touch me. I said, "Don't let him touch me," then I blacked out. When we left, I was drenched in sweat. I tried to call in to work the next day, but I had to come in. My ex promised he'd drive me, but when he didn't, I had to drive myself. I honestly don't know how I got to work without getting killed.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
My Thoughts on Easter
Ah, as I sit here, I feel a stirring in my heart. I'm not quite too sure what is going on or what is going to happen, but I know that something is coming.
I've sat with a dear friend of mine at coffee and had really deep conversations with her. One of the topics was about our Easter drama. If you do not already know, our Easter program was called "Come Alive". Our drama had three characters: the first was a man who had worked so hard to make a life for his family, only to feel forgotten and left behind by the ones he worked so hard to provide for - Is he still a part of his family or is his job now all he has?; the second was a woman who does everything for her family - dishes, cleaning, cooking, driving...the list is never-ending. She doesn't have time for herself since she's always doing for everyone else - Is she defined by what she does instead of who she is?; the last was a teen who is depressed and feels alone. The teen is a cutter, trying hard to resolve the pain in her life, but getting nowhere. She's lost herself along the way of trying to find freedom - Is she always going to be a slave to the scars or will the captive be set free?
I've heard that a lot of people said that the Easter drama was "too depressive for Easter", but is it really too depressive or have we made more of Easter than we should that we lose sight of what the true meaning is?
I mean, for goodness sakes, we celebrate when something good happens, not when something heartbreaking happens. Stop and think about it for a while. Easter draws more people that usually do not come to church than most other Sundays. So, in essence, these people are lost. Is that a reason to celebrate?!
Isn't Palm Sunday more of a celebration? "Hallelujiah! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosannah!" Jesus is riding in on the back of a donkey, people are celebrating, throwing palm leaves down in his path. Their eyes are filled with tears of joy - here comes their redeemer!
But Easter Sunday, man that was quite the weekened. Jesus stood trial against Barabbas - a criminal - and the guilty was set free while the innocent man was condemned to death. These tears were from broken hearts, mourning hearts, hearts filled with desperation, hearts filled with sorrow. Jesus is hanging on the cross, hardly recognizable as a human - his beard has been ripped out and there is a crown of throrns upon his head. He struggles for each breath he takes, blood pours from his body. He did nothing wrong, yet he took the blame and instead of calling Angels to pull him off of the cross, he suffered and died so that we could live. That death belonged to us, yet Jesus paid it all. And, as he draws his final breath, he says, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. Into thy hands I commend my spirit." The earth shakes and quakes, the sky is black as night and silence falls acorss the land.
Sure, WE know that Christ resurrects on Sunday morning with the keys to death, hell and the grave, but back then, they didn't know it. I mean, Jesus did say something about coming back, but how could someone come back to life after such a terrible death?
Imagine their hearts, still filled with sorrow, going to take care of Jesus' body on Sunday morning to find that the stone had been rolled away. If it were me, I would have screamed and cried, "someone took his body - his grave has been robbed. I'll never see my Jesus again." Yet down comes an Angel, who asks, "Why are you looking for the living among the dead?"
At this point in time, they're still mourning the death of Jesus. When they see Jesus, they're in shock, "Master, is that really you? You look so different - where's the blood? How do I know that it is really you?" And he tells Thomas, "Touch the wounds, they're real. I am who I say I am - I am Jesus. I have conquered the grave. Death has no power over me."
Sure, we think that this is more than enough reason to celebrate - which is fine, but you have to realize that we celebrate because we have accepted Jesus' sacrifice and have accepted his gift of freedom, but there are people in our churches that still live in bondage, they're still prisioners to sin. How can we celebrate when there is so much work to be done? How can we celebrate when there are lives that are incomplete, people are dying and they're looking to fill that void in their hearts. We forget that we were once lost and in need of saving, we think that saving is the end of the story...but really, it doesn't end there.
We are called to share the good news, to reach out to those who are lost. We are called to be light in darkness, to be salt to the Earth and if we're too busy celebrating on Easter instead of reaching out, people go home as empty as they came, still searching for something more. That something more is Christ and we are supposed to be Christ to them and if they don't find Christ in his home - a church, how do you think they're really going to accept him when someone tries to share the good news?
"Come to church with me! I want to introduce you to Jesus. He can take your pain away and make you whole."
"No thanks, I've already been there and there's nothing there for me."
So, depressive? Too depressive? For Easter? What is the greater tragedy? That we have to sit through something that is hard to hear or that someone isn't reached because we didn't push the barriers, we didn't push past the normal to reach out to the lost?
I've sat with a dear friend of mine at coffee and had really deep conversations with her. One of the topics was about our Easter drama. If you do not already know, our Easter program was called "Come Alive". Our drama had three characters: the first was a man who had worked so hard to make a life for his family, only to feel forgotten and left behind by the ones he worked so hard to provide for - Is he still a part of his family or is his job now all he has?; the second was a woman who does everything for her family - dishes, cleaning, cooking, driving...the list is never-ending. She doesn't have time for herself since she's always doing for everyone else - Is she defined by what she does instead of who she is?; the last was a teen who is depressed and feels alone. The teen is a cutter, trying hard to resolve the pain in her life, but getting nowhere. She's lost herself along the way of trying to find freedom - Is she always going to be a slave to the scars or will the captive be set free?
I've heard that a lot of people said that the Easter drama was "too depressive for Easter", but is it really too depressive or have we made more of Easter than we should that we lose sight of what the true meaning is?
I mean, for goodness sakes, we celebrate when something good happens, not when something heartbreaking happens. Stop and think about it for a while. Easter draws more people that usually do not come to church than most other Sundays. So, in essence, these people are lost. Is that a reason to celebrate?!
Isn't Palm Sunday more of a celebration? "Hallelujiah! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosannah!" Jesus is riding in on the back of a donkey, people are celebrating, throwing palm leaves down in his path. Their eyes are filled with tears of joy - here comes their redeemer!
But Easter Sunday, man that was quite the weekened. Jesus stood trial against Barabbas - a criminal - and the guilty was set free while the innocent man was condemned to death. These tears were from broken hearts, mourning hearts, hearts filled with desperation, hearts filled with sorrow. Jesus is hanging on the cross, hardly recognizable as a human - his beard has been ripped out and there is a crown of throrns upon his head. He struggles for each breath he takes, blood pours from his body. He did nothing wrong, yet he took the blame and instead of calling Angels to pull him off of the cross, he suffered and died so that we could live. That death belonged to us, yet Jesus paid it all. And, as he draws his final breath, he says, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. Into thy hands I commend my spirit." The earth shakes and quakes, the sky is black as night and silence falls acorss the land.
Sure, WE know that Christ resurrects on Sunday morning with the keys to death, hell and the grave, but back then, they didn't know it. I mean, Jesus did say something about coming back, but how could someone come back to life after such a terrible death?
Imagine their hearts, still filled with sorrow, going to take care of Jesus' body on Sunday morning to find that the stone had been rolled away. If it were me, I would have screamed and cried, "someone took his body - his grave has been robbed. I'll never see my Jesus again." Yet down comes an Angel, who asks, "Why are you looking for the living among the dead?"
At this point in time, they're still mourning the death of Jesus. When they see Jesus, they're in shock, "Master, is that really you? You look so different - where's the blood? How do I know that it is really you?" And he tells Thomas, "Touch the wounds, they're real. I am who I say I am - I am Jesus. I have conquered the grave. Death has no power over me."
Sure, we think that this is more than enough reason to celebrate - which is fine, but you have to realize that we celebrate because we have accepted Jesus' sacrifice and have accepted his gift of freedom, but there are people in our churches that still live in bondage, they're still prisioners to sin. How can we celebrate when there is so much work to be done? How can we celebrate when there are lives that are incomplete, people are dying and they're looking to fill that void in their hearts. We forget that we were once lost and in need of saving, we think that saving is the end of the story...but really, it doesn't end there.
We are called to share the good news, to reach out to those who are lost. We are called to be light in darkness, to be salt to the Earth and if we're too busy celebrating on Easter instead of reaching out, people go home as empty as they came, still searching for something more. That something more is Christ and we are supposed to be Christ to them and if they don't find Christ in his home - a church, how do you think they're really going to accept him when someone tries to share the good news?
"Come to church with me! I want to introduce you to Jesus. He can take your pain away and make you whole."
"No thanks, I've already been there and there's nothing there for me."
So, depressive? Too depressive? For Easter? What is the greater tragedy? That we have to sit through something that is hard to hear or that someone isn't reached because we didn't push the barriers, we didn't push past the normal to reach out to the lost?
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Heartbroken
This is a very private place for me, a private place where I can rest my thoughts. Not many people know about this blogsite, but it is a place of comfort where I feel I can just be real, just be myself. And today, I am emotional.
Today I'm crying, I think that Micah is afraid of me. I don't want her to be afraid of me. I don't want to carry on a generational curse, I don't want to yell at my daughter.
I HATE looking her in the eyes and yelling. I HATE screaming out in anger.
I hold bitterness in my heart about my childhood. I don't talk much about my childhood because people say, "Oh that didn't happen, you're making that up." BUT IT DID!
I was yelled at, just like I do my daughter. NO LONGER, I tell you, NO LONGER!
I will not treat my daughter like this anymore, I know what she feels. Sure, she's only two years old, but the anger and hatred in my eyes and in my voice leave scars.
This will no longer happen. I will no longer put up a facade and parade around, acting like everything is okay. I REFUSE to cap my anger only to lose control of it. I have control, I will have control. I have to break this generational curse before I pass it on.
Innocence, I am diluting pure innocence. I am looking into her innocent eyes, into her tear-filled eyes and diluting them.
I am also still bitter about my teen years. I was sent off to Girlstown and my sister was able to live at home. She was there for the birth of our niece and nephew and I was at Girlstown. I was jealous, and at times, I still am.
She was able to build a strong relationship with our niece and nephew while I only got to see them every so often.
I have to let go, this is eating me alive.
I am not forsaken, I am not forgotten, I am not lost.
I am not abused, I am not neglected, I am not empty.
Today I'm crying, I think that Micah is afraid of me. I don't want her to be afraid of me. I don't want to carry on a generational curse, I don't want to yell at my daughter.
I HATE looking her in the eyes and yelling. I HATE screaming out in anger.
I hold bitterness in my heart about my childhood. I don't talk much about my childhood because people say, "Oh that didn't happen, you're making that up." BUT IT DID!
I was yelled at, just like I do my daughter. NO LONGER, I tell you, NO LONGER!
I will not treat my daughter like this anymore, I know what she feels. Sure, she's only two years old, but the anger and hatred in my eyes and in my voice leave scars.
This will no longer happen. I will no longer put up a facade and parade around, acting like everything is okay. I REFUSE to cap my anger only to lose control of it. I have control, I will have control. I have to break this generational curse before I pass it on.
Innocence, I am diluting pure innocence. I am looking into her innocent eyes, into her tear-filled eyes and diluting them.
I am also still bitter about my teen years. I was sent off to Girlstown and my sister was able to live at home. She was there for the birth of our niece and nephew and I was at Girlstown. I was jealous, and at times, I still am.
She was able to build a strong relationship with our niece and nephew while I only got to see them every so often.
I have to let go, this is eating me alive.
I am not forsaken, I am not forgotten, I am not lost.
I am not abused, I am not neglected, I am not empty.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Working through...
I haven't posted a blog in quite some time, and that is because I forgot about this!
I have recently decided to continue with my dream of writing a book, and it is a much bigger challenge than I thought it would be. I have the title for it already, but I've tried to focus too much on how I'm going to write it and put it together that I've pretty much not written anything.
To regain focus, I will try to write at least a little bit a day - write what I feel, what I remember, what is going on in my life at the time. And so I will start.
Recently, I have been working through parts of my past that I have denied having an affect on my life. The truth is, a lot of my life is hindered by my denial. It wasn't an easy start into dealing with the subject, in fact, it started with a fight.
Luckily, I was not the one fighting, but my sister had lashed out at our biological mother - calling her a whore and a crack head among several other things. I think my sister has every right to be upset with our biological mother, but there is a right and a wrong way to handle things. In her defense, when you're emotionally connected to a situation, it is really hard to do things the right way and keep your emotions in check.
I wrote my sister and told her that her feelings are legitimate, but the things that happened to us before we were adopted are beyond our control and in the past. We can't change things from the past, we just have to move on with our lives. We can't control other people.
After posting this, I recieved a phone call asking what was going on with my sister. I said that I don't know, but things in the past need to be let go of.
Somehow this whole thing wound up with me hating my biological mother and not standing up for my sister. I thought that this whole situation would pass, but it actually wound up hitting me like a load of bricks.
My sister and I are adopted. There is a lot of here-and-there things that I'm not too sure of, but I do know that I was left in a playpen for days on end and was put in the hospital for malnutrition. I was abandoned.
I keep hearing that my Nana was calling Child Protective Services, that my Mimi Donna Jean wanted to adopt us but couldn't because she was a widow, and so many other confusing things, including things about my biological parents.
Recently, I hit a rough patch where I felt like I didn't deserve to be a mother. Don't get me wrong, I love my child, but motherhood is hard. Sometimes I don't have the strength that I need to have. Sometimes I'm so weak that I can't even be a foundation for myself, much less for someone else who is totally dependant on me. This is when it all hit me.
I started thinking about my child. Every time I look at my child, I wonder how anyone could abandon their own child. How can you just "forget" your child?
My child brings me so much joy on a daily basis and I can't imagine life without her. She makes me laugh when I am down or mad, she wears me out, she has such a twinkle and a spark in her eyes that every time I look at her, I love her more.
One of my biggest fears is abandoning Micah like I was abandoned.
Sometimes I'm on the computer instead of playing with her. I have seriously lost a lot of precious time that I can never reclaim - that time is lost. I mean, there are days when she spends more time with Blue's Clues than she does with me, her own mother. I carry a lot of guilt with that.
I want to be a great mom, but sometimes I feel like I'm not mom material. I have anger issues, I get frustrated easily and sometimes I yell. My child doesn't deserve to be yelled at and there is no excuse for it even though I blame it on a long day at work or being tired.
I have asked God why he chose to give me Micah. Why he chose to make me a mother. And his answer is, "I filled your heart's desire."
Ever since I was seven - which is when I found out I was adopted - I have wanted a family of my own. I have dreamed of being married and being a mother. I definately underestimated the challenge of motherhood.
I just felt so disowned when I was told that I was adopted. I wanted to feel like I belonged again. I spent years holding a grudge against my parents for telling me that I was adopted. And I never wanted my child to feel what I had felt.
At times I was an angry person, at times I was confused, and most of the time, I was heartbroken and crushed. I didn't know how to handle life from then on out.
I did have a good childhood - I was raised in a Christian home with a family who loved me very, very much. My parents sacrificed a lot for me -and they still do.
It really hurts for me to look back at how I treated them at times. I really love my parents, I was just so confused and so hurt that all I did was lash out. I know that I hurt my parents, but I also know that they still love me.
Knowing that they love me despite my lashing out makes me feel really good. They chose me and they loved me - I was their child. My mom didn't give birth to me, but she raised me in love and in kindness.
When I was 14, I was able to meet my biological parents. I became really confused at that point. My biological mother tried really hard to make herself appear innocent and make my biological father look like the bad guy. I wanted to connect with her, I wanted her to love me, so I denied that she abandoned me.
I placed all blame on my biological father, which was really unfair. I started accusing things since my biological mother was accusing. I thought that would make her love me, I thought that would make her want me, but then I realized, that I already have a mom.
The last thing I want to do is make my mom feel like I'm choosing my biological mother over her. I know that my mom has done so much for me and has been there my whole life, whereas Jackie thought she could waltz into my life, say a few pretty words, show me the dress I came home from the hospital in, give me a few of my things from the hospital and talk down on everyone else and that would make her my mom.
She's not my mom, I can tell you that much. My mom has never lied to me. Jackie, on the other hand, has not always told the truth. My mom has always been there for me where Jackie walked away. Carrying a baby and giving birth does NOT make you a mother - it takes so much more. It takes love and care and years of sacrifice, heartache, tears, joys and memories.
During a recent trip to Amarillo, I saw Jackie and let her meet Micah. It was then that I decided to cut the ties. I realized that my main point and source of confusion was Jackie and her stories. I didn't need that. I don't need her. I have walked out of her life like she walked out of mine.
I grew so tired of the confusion, tired of the lies, that I was physically and emotionally drained and strained. Since I've cut the ties, I feel a release, I feel a peace. I haven't needed her my whole life, why would I need her now?
I can't turn back time and force her to keep me. I can't turn back time and force her to feed me or spend time with me. I can't turn back time at all and I wouldn't even if I could.
Just because she was a bad mother to me does not mean that I am a bad mother to my own child. I can't let my fear of abandoning my child control my life. I know that I won't abandon my child, there is nothing to be afraid of. I have a very supportive and loving family and husband. I am not alone in this, even though it feels like it at times.
I am a good mother. I love my daughter and I provide for her. I shower her with hugs and kisses and love her with all of my heart and soul. I am constantly there for her, I help her, I teach her, I correct her, I love her and that is what it takes to be a good mother.
I am a good mother, even though Jackie was a bad mother to me, I had a wonderful mother to learn from. My mom fought for both my sister and me, she prayed for us - and still continues to pray for us, she has provided for us and loved us, disciplined us and hugged us and that is what it takes to be a good mother.
I refuse to face this battle again, because I am victorious. I am not a bad mother because of who Jackie was to me. I am a good mother because of who I am to my child.
I can now honestly look in the mirror and accept myself, faults and strengths, as a good mother, because Micah accepts me as her mommy.
I have recently decided to continue with my dream of writing a book, and it is a much bigger challenge than I thought it would be. I have the title for it already, but I've tried to focus too much on how I'm going to write it and put it together that I've pretty much not written anything.
To regain focus, I will try to write at least a little bit a day - write what I feel, what I remember, what is going on in my life at the time. And so I will start.
Recently, I have been working through parts of my past that I have denied having an affect on my life. The truth is, a lot of my life is hindered by my denial. It wasn't an easy start into dealing with the subject, in fact, it started with a fight.
Luckily, I was not the one fighting, but my sister had lashed out at our biological mother - calling her a whore and a crack head among several other things. I think my sister has every right to be upset with our biological mother, but there is a right and a wrong way to handle things. In her defense, when you're emotionally connected to a situation, it is really hard to do things the right way and keep your emotions in check.
I wrote my sister and told her that her feelings are legitimate, but the things that happened to us before we were adopted are beyond our control and in the past. We can't change things from the past, we just have to move on with our lives. We can't control other people.
After posting this, I recieved a phone call asking what was going on with my sister. I said that I don't know, but things in the past need to be let go of.
Somehow this whole thing wound up with me hating my biological mother and not standing up for my sister. I thought that this whole situation would pass, but it actually wound up hitting me like a load of bricks.
My sister and I are adopted. There is a lot of here-and-there things that I'm not too sure of, but I do know that I was left in a playpen for days on end and was put in the hospital for malnutrition. I was abandoned.
I keep hearing that my Nana was calling Child Protective Services, that my Mimi Donna Jean wanted to adopt us but couldn't because she was a widow, and so many other confusing things, including things about my biological parents.
Recently, I hit a rough patch where I felt like I didn't deserve to be a mother. Don't get me wrong, I love my child, but motherhood is hard. Sometimes I don't have the strength that I need to have. Sometimes I'm so weak that I can't even be a foundation for myself, much less for someone else who is totally dependant on me. This is when it all hit me.
I started thinking about my child. Every time I look at my child, I wonder how anyone could abandon their own child. How can you just "forget" your child?
My child brings me so much joy on a daily basis and I can't imagine life without her. She makes me laugh when I am down or mad, she wears me out, she has such a twinkle and a spark in her eyes that every time I look at her, I love her more.
One of my biggest fears is abandoning Micah like I was abandoned.
Sometimes I'm on the computer instead of playing with her. I have seriously lost a lot of precious time that I can never reclaim - that time is lost. I mean, there are days when she spends more time with Blue's Clues than she does with me, her own mother. I carry a lot of guilt with that.
I want to be a great mom, but sometimes I feel like I'm not mom material. I have anger issues, I get frustrated easily and sometimes I yell. My child doesn't deserve to be yelled at and there is no excuse for it even though I blame it on a long day at work or being tired.
I have asked God why he chose to give me Micah. Why he chose to make me a mother. And his answer is, "I filled your heart's desire."
Ever since I was seven - which is when I found out I was adopted - I have wanted a family of my own. I have dreamed of being married and being a mother. I definately underestimated the challenge of motherhood.
I just felt so disowned when I was told that I was adopted. I wanted to feel like I belonged again. I spent years holding a grudge against my parents for telling me that I was adopted. And I never wanted my child to feel what I had felt.
At times I was an angry person, at times I was confused, and most of the time, I was heartbroken and crushed. I didn't know how to handle life from then on out.
I did have a good childhood - I was raised in a Christian home with a family who loved me very, very much. My parents sacrificed a lot for me -and they still do.
It really hurts for me to look back at how I treated them at times. I really love my parents, I was just so confused and so hurt that all I did was lash out. I know that I hurt my parents, but I also know that they still love me.
Knowing that they love me despite my lashing out makes me feel really good. They chose me and they loved me - I was their child. My mom didn't give birth to me, but she raised me in love and in kindness.
When I was 14, I was able to meet my biological parents. I became really confused at that point. My biological mother tried really hard to make herself appear innocent and make my biological father look like the bad guy. I wanted to connect with her, I wanted her to love me, so I denied that she abandoned me.
I placed all blame on my biological father, which was really unfair. I started accusing things since my biological mother was accusing. I thought that would make her love me, I thought that would make her want me, but then I realized, that I already have a mom.
The last thing I want to do is make my mom feel like I'm choosing my biological mother over her. I know that my mom has done so much for me and has been there my whole life, whereas Jackie thought she could waltz into my life, say a few pretty words, show me the dress I came home from the hospital in, give me a few of my things from the hospital and talk down on everyone else and that would make her my mom.
She's not my mom, I can tell you that much. My mom has never lied to me. Jackie, on the other hand, has not always told the truth. My mom has always been there for me where Jackie walked away. Carrying a baby and giving birth does NOT make you a mother - it takes so much more. It takes love and care and years of sacrifice, heartache, tears, joys and memories.
During a recent trip to Amarillo, I saw Jackie and let her meet Micah. It was then that I decided to cut the ties. I realized that my main point and source of confusion was Jackie and her stories. I didn't need that. I don't need her. I have walked out of her life like she walked out of mine.
I grew so tired of the confusion, tired of the lies, that I was physically and emotionally drained and strained. Since I've cut the ties, I feel a release, I feel a peace. I haven't needed her my whole life, why would I need her now?
I can't turn back time and force her to keep me. I can't turn back time and force her to feed me or spend time with me. I can't turn back time at all and I wouldn't even if I could.
Just because she was a bad mother to me does not mean that I am a bad mother to my own child. I can't let my fear of abandoning my child control my life. I know that I won't abandon my child, there is nothing to be afraid of. I have a very supportive and loving family and husband. I am not alone in this, even though it feels like it at times.
I am a good mother. I love my daughter and I provide for her. I shower her with hugs and kisses and love her with all of my heart and soul. I am constantly there for her, I help her, I teach her, I correct her, I love her and that is what it takes to be a good mother.
I am a good mother, even though Jackie was a bad mother to me, I had a wonderful mother to learn from. My mom fought for both my sister and me, she prayed for us - and still continues to pray for us, she has provided for us and loved us, disciplined us and hugged us and that is what it takes to be a good mother.
I refuse to face this battle again, because I am victorious. I am not a bad mother because of who Jackie was to me. I am a good mother because of who I am to my child.
I can now honestly look in the mirror and accept myself, faults and strengths, as a good mother, because Micah accepts me as her mommy.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Not satisfied
So, I have decided that I'm not satisfied with my last post, although I will leave it up.
I DO have a passion and it goes deeper than I could ever express.
Wait a second while I turn the t.v. off.
Alright, much better.
I am extremely encouraged by a friend of mine, Aaron - he posts here: http://aholydiscontent.wordpress.com/
I just read his "Thoughts From the Desert" and one thing he said really caught my eye:
"I praise you Christ for using such broken, jacked up people to usher in your kingdom on earth as it is in heaven."
And I rest reassured from my past that God CAN use me - and He will, its only a matter of when I decide to fully surrender.
I can't lie, I am not yet at the point of full surrender. Oh, I would love to be there, but there's this thing called letting go that God really has me on.
Full surrender is letting go and relinquishing all control - and my full life - into his hands.
I think I may almost be at that point, but not quite there as I need to learn more on letting go.
I am not quite there on the letting go part. I just like to hold on.
Maybe its from my childhood that I learned to hold on. But, to be honest with you, I don't have many memories from my childhood - I think I've blocked them out.
If I can't let go of something, God does not have full reign in my life.
Back to the quote from Aaron (yeah, I get side tracked easily), I can tell you that I am a broken and jacked up person.
My past is NOTHING to glory in, the only thing that demands Glory is the work of God in my life. Nothing that I have done is worth recognition.
Before I met my husband, I was in an extremely abusive relationship. This guy would get mad at me and make me put a pillow over my head so he could beat it. I was a drug addict. There was a point in my life where I felt like I was nothing. At that time, my life was too painful to bear, or so I thought. I had gone down from a healthy 130 lbs. to less than 100 lbs. when the guy broke up with me because I didn't eat anything for 6 days straight - except for an oreo cookie. I could not look at my face in the mirror without feeling pain and anger. I did NOT like what I saw. My eyes were sunk in the back of my head, my cheeks were sunk in and I looked sick. That is when I gave up. And, that is when I started to do hard drugs. And my drug of choice happened to be the one that took my life away at the first try - methanphetamine. While in the hospital almost 36 hours after I had smoked what I thought was liquid ecstasty for the first time, I stopped breathing, my world went black and was told by the nurse and a close friend that my body turned green due to toxic posioning. The doctor didn't - and probably still DOESN'T - know how I survived. I had a LETHAL amount of methanphetamine in my system still a day and a half after I had first done the drug. It was only by the Grace of God that I survived.
At that point, I was addicted to meth. It was an instant addiction. I would go 6 days smoking (the days I had to work) and then one day of rest. To be able to afford my very expensive habit, I basically became a prostitute. I sold myself for money. It is really hard for me to think back to this. I am so ashamed of what I did. The sex was protected, but my heart wasn't. I wound up raped by my ex's mother's boyfriend, because he was told that since he paid for our drugs, any time he wanted me, he could have me. I started to turn to pornography, but since I was too afraid to get tested for STD's, the plans for that fell through. I was a modern day Mary Magdalene.
I deserved death and I knew it. I tried so hard to escape from the horrible reality of my life by doing drugs. Ecstasy made me feel loved. Marijuana made me relax. Cocaine and meth both gave me a burst of energy to make it through. Mushrooms distorted my world. Ketamine enhanced my senses. Acid took me to another world. But when the high wore down, I was back in reality and the pain that had "disappeared" during my high was back with a fury.
I smoked meth because it "opened my eyes to see truths and wisdoms I had never known." I wrote and wrote and wrote -little did I know that I was only writing from my heart. I was silently crying out for someone to save me, because I knew I had gone too far and could not save myself.
There was a turning point though, the start of the beginning. I was extremely depressed so I locked my bedroom door, then locked myself in the bathroom and screamed that I was holding a knife to my throat - which I was. I cried out from the depths of my soul to God and begged him to save me so I wouldn't have to kill myself. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted a way out.
Well, to satisfy the attention I craved, my ex fought his way into the bathroom with me. I remember crying and crying and crying nonstop. He said he loved me, but since he was with someone else, he couldn't let anyone else know that he loved me. And this broke me even more.
To forward the turning point, I kicked my ex and his girlfriend out, after I had already kicked her friend out. When his mom went to a halfway house, she took his little brother - which left me and her boyfriend. I did not like this, as I would be asleep and he would join me in my bed. I was uncomfortable and even more desperate for a change in my life.
Since I needed money, I decided one night to go to work with the girlfriend who was a friend of my friend. So for one night, I was a stripper. I can look back now and laugh about how horribly clumsy I was, but the fear that struck me that night is something I will never forget. I didn't like being touched or grabbed at. I didn't like the looks from guys who didn't care about me. It makes my skin crawl just to think about it. And, to make matters worse, my ex's mom's boyfriend kept calling. I was overwhelmed and knew that I couldn't go home - I was afraid to go home. I called a friend of mine to come pick me up. My stomach was a mess, I was a mess. I paid my dues and headed out. When I realized that he would not stop calling me, I leaned over and vomited. I knew that things HAD to change - I could not live life that way, nor would I survive if I had to keep living like that.
My friend finally picked me up and drove me to his house. I poured out everything that I had been holding in, and the next morning, I was told that I fell asleep mid-sentence. I had not slept in several days because I was afraid to go to sleep, I was afraid of what could/would happen if I fell asleep.
The next night, my friend took me to the club that I spent every weekend at. But, before we went, we loaded up on a few drugs. By the time we got to the club, I could hardly walk, much less see. While walking up the stairs, I heard a voice say, "What are you doing here with him?" I turned around, but since I couldn't see any faces, I just shrugged my shoulders and went inside. I don't remember most of the night, but I do remember this guy. He wouldn't leave me alone, so I gave in and talked to him and wound up having a really good time with him - I do remember laughing and joking with him, which was something I hadn't done in a long time. The laughing sparked a flame of hope within me. Little did I know the importance this guy would have in my life; little did I know that he was the answer to my prayers.
We pretty much bonded. He opened up to me with things about his childhood and I returned with things from my own childhood. I could see it in his eyes that he was hurting, just like I was. I learned that he was a deejay at the club I went to every weekend, so, needless to say, we were at the club every weekend.
I had warrants out from outstanding fines from moving violation tickets, so I decided to spend the time in jail. Before I turned myself in, I smoked meth and was as high as a kite. I spent the night wide awake, trying to remember the words to a song since I had already read through my book. I rocked back and forth and made noises to entertain myself. And, in the process, wound up scaring one of the guards. When my holding cell was opened for me to eat breakfast, he made sure that he was quick enough to get into the next room before I got out of my cell. I savored the frosted honey bun, but did not drink the coffee. He came to take my trash and I could tell that he was cautiously approaching me. I threw my trash away in the bag he held and polietely said, "thank you," with a smile.
When the afternoon came, I got a roomie for my holding cell. She said she was waiting to be picked up by Lou Sterret's because some girl said something about her and murder. I don't remember, I was extremely afraid.
So, when the judge called for me, I was very quick to admit my guilt and say that I wanted to pay the fine. I wanted OUT of that crazy house!
Shortly after that, I wound up losing my apartment and moving in with that one special guy. e wound up both getting back into meth - after our several personal attempts to quit before we met each other - and our relationship took serious sharp turns. Constant bickering and yelling while we were coming down from our high was too much for me to handle. Our roommate being the drama queen he was, was too much for us to handle. Our lives were out of control. So, one day while sober, we decided that we needed to quit drugs. That was December of 2006. By January 1, 2007, we had both quit drugs - cold turkey - and he also quit smoking ciggarettes.
By February, we moved out of where we were to live with my boss.
On a whim, we decided to visit his mom at her church. We were still going to the club at the time, but had slowed down a lot.
In April, when DJhd a job, we moved into our own apartment. I had a new job, but kept getting really sick and tired (literally) with no apparant (to us) reason. At the end of June, after I dry heaved at a computer in the public library, I decided to take a pregnancy test. So, I went to the Family Dollar - or whatever it was - purchased a $4 pregnancy test and went home. I took a measuring cup and peed in it (don't worry, I threw it away). I then stuck the test in it - results were supposed to appear within two minutes. In less than 30 seconds, there was a line in each of the boxes. After getting a little light headed, I re-read the directions and nearly passed out to know that the test said I was pregnant.
I called DJ on the phone and asked if he was sitting down. When he said yes, I told him that we were pregnant. I wish he had told me that he was driving before I told him the news because I know he almost wrecked at that point.
And that, was our final turning point. DJ (who was and still is that special guy in my life) and I soon quit the club after we had the pregnancy confirmed. We got back in church, and started to allow God to change our lives.
November 11, 2007, we were married by vows (but not legally since I would have lost my medicaid). On January 21, 2008, we welcomed our 8 lb. 14 oz. 21 1/2 in. long baby girl, Micah Grace, into this world. We have been drug free since January 2007, and since that time, God changed our lives.
Micah was the last straw that sealed the deal on our sobriety. We wanted to give our baby the best life we could give her, and having only missed one Sunday of church in her whole life - we certainly have her started on the right path.
Does this make either one of us perfect, no.
Am I jacked up? Well, I haven't been a saint my whole life.
Am I broken? Daily.
But when I hand over my jacked up past and my broken pieces to God, He uses me to reach others.
So, I am ready to hand over my jacked up past along with my broken pieces to God.
I am ready to let go.
I DO have a passion and it goes deeper than I could ever express.
Wait a second while I turn the t.v. off.
Alright, much better.
I am extremely encouraged by a friend of mine, Aaron - he posts here: http://aholydiscontent.wordpress.com/
I just read his "Thoughts From the Desert" and one thing he said really caught my eye:
"I praise you Christ for using such broken, jacked up people to usher in your kingdom on earth as it is in heaven."
And I rest reassured from my past that God CAN use me - and He will, its only a matter of when I decide to fully surrender.
I can't lie, I am not yet at the point of full surrender. Oh, I would love to be there, but there's this thing called letting go that God really has me on.
Full surrender is letting go and relinquishing all control - and my full life - into his hands.
I think I may almost be at that point, but not quite there as I need to learn more on letting go.
I am not quite there on the letting go part. I just like to hold on.
Maybe its from my childhood that I learned to hold on. But, to be honest with you, I don't have many memories from my childhood - I think I've blocked them out.
If I can't let go of something, God does not have full reign in my life.
Back to the quote from Aaron (yeah, I get side tracked easily), I can tell you that I am a broken and jacked up person.
My past is NOTHING to glory in, the only thing that demands Glory is the work of God in my life. Nothing that I have done is worth recognition.
Before I met my husband, I was in an extremely abusive relationship. This guy would get mad at me and make me put a pillow over my head so he could beat it. I was a drug addict. There was a point in my life where I felt like I was nothing. At that time, my life was too painful to bear, or so I thought. I had gone down from a healthy 130 lbs. to less than 100 lbs. when the guy broke up with me because I didn't eat anything for 6 days straight - except for an oreo cookie. I could not look at my face in the mirror without feeling pain and anger. I did NOT like what I saw. My eyes were sunk in the back of my head, my cheeks were sunk in and I looked sick. That is when I gave up. And, that is when I started to do hard drugs. And my drug of choice happened to be the one that took my life away at the first try - methanphetamine. While in the hospital almost 36 hours after I had smoked what I thought was liquid ecstasty for the first time, I stopped breathing, my world went black and was told by the nurse and a close friend that my body turned green due to toxic posioning. The doctor didn't - and probably still DOESN'T - know how I survived. I had a LETHAL amount of methanphetamine in my system still a day and a half after I had first done the drug. It was only by the Grace of God that I survived.
At that point, I was addicted to meth. It was an instant addiction. I would go 6 days smoking (the days I had to work) and then one day of rest. To be able to afford my very expensive habit, I basically became a prostitute. I sold myself for money. It is really hard for me to think back to this. I am so ashamed of what I did. The sex was protected, but my heart wasn't. I wound up raped by my ex's mother's boyfriend, because he was told that since he paid for our drugs, any time he wanted me, he could have me. I started to turn to pornography, but since I was too afraid to get tested for STD's, the plans for that fell through. I was a modern day Mary Magdalene.
I deserved death and I knew it. I tried so hard to escape from the horrible reality of my life by doing drugs. Ecstasy made me feel loved. Marijuana made me relax. Cocaine and meth both gave me a burst of energy to make it through. Mushrooms distorted my world. Ketamine enhanced my senses. Acid took me to another world. But when the high wore down, I was back in reality and the pain that had "disappeared" during my high was back with a fury.
I smoked meth because it "opened my eyes to see truths and wisdoms I had never known." I wrote and wrote and wrote -little did I know that I was only writing from my heart. I was silently crying out for someone to save me, because I knew I had gone too far and could not save myself.
There was a turning point though, the start of the beginning. I was extremely depressed so I locked my bedroom door, then locked myself in the bathroom and screamed that I was holding a knife to my throat - which I was. I cried out from the depths of my soul to God and begged him to save me so I wouldn't have to kill myself. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted a way out.
Well, to satisfy the attention I craved, my ex fought his way into the bathroom with me. I remember crying and crying and crying nonstop. He said he loved me, but since he was with someone else, he couldn't let anyone else know that he loved me. And this broke me even more.
To forward the turning point, I kicked my ex and his girlfriend out, after I had already kicked her friend out. When his mom went to a halfway house, she took his little brother - which left me and her boyfriend. I did not like this, as I would be asleep and he would join me in my bed. I was uncomfortable and even more desperate for a change in my life.
Since I needed money, I decided one night to go to work with the girlfriend who was a friend of my friend. So for one night, I was a stripper. I can look back now and laugh about how horribly clumsy I was, but the fear that struck me that night is something I will never forget. I didn't like being touched or grabbed at. I didn't like the looks from guys who didn't care about me. It makes my skin crawl just to think about it. And, to make matters worse, my ex's mom's boyfriend kept calling. I was overwhelmed and knew that I couldn't go home - I was afraid to go home. I called a friend of mine to come pick me up. My stomach was a mess, I was a mess. I paid my dues and headed out. When I realized that he would not stop calling me, I leaned over and vomited. I knew that things HAD to change - I could not live life that way, nor would I survive if I had to keep living like that.
My friend finally picked me up and drove me to his house. I poured out everything that I had been holding in, and the next morning, I was told that I fell asleep mid-sentence. I had not slept in several days because I was afraid to go to sleep, I was afraid of what could/would happen if I fell asleep.
The next night, my friend took me to the club that I spent every weekend at. But, before we went, we loaded up on a few drugs. By the time we got to the club, I could hardly walk, much less see. While walking up the stairs, I heard a voice say, "What are you doing here with him?" I turned around, but since I couldn't see any faces, I just shrugged my shoulders and went inside. I don't remember most of the night, but I do remember this guy. He wouldn't leave me alone, so I gave in and talked to him and wound up having a really good time with him - I do remember laughing and joking with him, which was something I hadn't done in a long time. The laughing sparked a flame of hope within me. Little did I know the importance this guy would have in my life; little did I know that he was the answer to my prayers.
We pretty much bonded. He opened up to me with things about his childhood and I returned with things from my own childhood. I could see it in his eyes that he was hurting, just like I was. I learned that he was a deejay at the club I went to every weekend, so, needless to say, we were at the club every weekend.
I had warrants out from outstanding fines from moving violation tickets, so I decided to spend the time in jail. Before I turned myself in, I smoked meth and was as high as a kite. I spent the night wide awake, trying to remember the words to a song since I had already read through my book. I rocked back and forth and made noises to entertain myself. And, in the process, wound up scaring one of the guards. When my holding cell was opened for me to eat breakfast, he made sure that he was quick enough to get into the next room before I got out of my cell. I savored the frosted honey bun, but did not drink the coffee. He came to take my trash and I could tell that he was cautiously approaching me. I threw my trash away in the bag he held and polietely said, "thank you," with a smile.
When the afternoon came, I got a roomie for my holding cell. She said she was waiting to be picked up by Lou Sterret's because some girl said something about her and murder. I don't remember, I was extremely afraid.
So, when the judge called for me, I was very quick to admit my guilt and say that I wanted to pay the fine. I wanted OUT of that crazy house!
Shortly after that, I wound up losing my apartment and moving in with that one special guy. e wound up both getting back into meth - after our several personal attempts to quit before we met each other - and our relationship took serious sharp turns. Constant bickering and yelling while we were coming down from our high was too much for me to handle. Our roommate being the drama queen he was, was too much for us to handle. Our lives were out of control. So, one day while sober, we decided that we needed to quit drugs. That was December of 2006. By January 1, 2007, we had both quit drugs - cold turkey - and he also quit smoking ciggarettes.
By February, we moved out of where we were to live with my boss.
On a whim, we decided to visit his mom at her church. We were still going to the club at the time, but had slowed down a lot.
In April, when DJhd a job, we moved into our own apartment. I had a new job, but kept getting really sick and tired (literally) with no apparant (to us) reason. At the end of June, after I dry heaved at a computer in the public library, I decided to take a pregnancy test. So, I went to the Family Dollar - or whatever it was - purchased a $4 pregnancy test and went home. I took a measuring cup and peed in it (don't worry, I threw it away). I then stuck the test in it - results were supposed to appear within two minutes. In less than 30 seconds, there was a line in each of the boxes. After getting a little light headed, I re-read the directions and nearly passed out to know that the test said I was pregnant.
I called DJ on the phone and asked if he was sitting down. When he said yes, I told him that we were pregnant. I wish he had told me that he was driving before I told him the news because I know he almost wrecked at that point.
And that, was our final turning point. DJ (who was and still is that special guy in my life) and I soon quit the club after we had the pregnancy confirmed. We got back in church, and started to allow God to change our lives.
November 11, 2007, we were married by vows (but not legally since I would have lost my medicaid). On January 21, 2008, we welcomed our 8 lb. 14 oz. 21 1/2 in. long baby girl, Micah Grace, into this world. We have been drug free since January 2007, and since that time, God changed our lives.
Micah was the last straw that sealed the deal on our sobriety. We wanted to give our baby the best life we could give her, and having only missed one Sunday of church in her whole life - we certainly have her started on the right path.
Does this make either one of us perfect, no.
Am I jacked up? Well, I haven't been a saint my whole life.
Am I broken? Daily.
But when I hand over my jacked up past and my broken pieces to God, He uses me to reach others.
So, I am ready to hand over my jacked up past along with my broken pieces to God.
I am ready to let go.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Passions
Passions are a part of each of our lives. Its what we LOVE to do, its what we feel like we were purposed to do, its what we put so much time and effort into.
Passions can be misused and misled. You can have a passion for the youth and to see their souls saved, but while trying to reach out and relate, you could start to become part of the world you're trying to pull them out of.
I have a passion for the youth. I loved every minute being in front of the youth and reaching out to them. God gave me a special gift to be able to reach the youth. And while teaching the youth, I learned a lot myself. In fact, I've learned a lot about the time when I fervently served God.
It really hurts to think back to that time - back in 2004-2005. Things happened, I got angry, and I left the church I was at. I feel like I left the youth hanging when we had built up trust. I cry about that decision I made. It breaks my heart. And I also let that decision break my soul.
But, I look back and am able to point out what went wrong. The focus started going from God to me. In a very selfish act that was unrecognized by me at the time, I tried to take glory for the things that God and ONLY God could and did do.
I became part of the world that I tried to help pull these lost kids out of.
I lost my passion in life.
And here I am 4 years later - now a wife and mother - feeling the passion stir within me.
I can't say that this is my time, no. A friend of a friend pointed out that when we want to start movements, we never do.
I've learned this to be true. When I want to be great, I never am. When I want to be artistic, I fail. When I want to write, nothing comes out that makes sense. But when I let go and let God, that's when it happens.
It does not suprise me that I have talked my way back to the subject of letting go.
Everything happens on God's time, not ours.
And, that, makes for a peaceful closure for a blog. :)
Passions can be misused and misled. You can have a passion for the youth and to see their souls saved, but while trying to reach out and relate, you could start to become part of the world you're trying to pull them out of.
I have a passion for the youth. I loved every minute being in front of the youth and reaching out to them. God gave me a special gift to be able to reach the youth. And while teaching the youth, I learned a lot myself. In fact, I've learned a lot about the time when I fervently served God.
It really hurts to think back to that time - back in 2004-2005. Things happened, I got angry, and I left the church I was at. I feel like I left the youth hanging when we had built up trust. I cry about that decision I made. It breaks my heart. And I also let that decision break my soul.
But, I look back and am able to point out what went wrong. The focus started going from God to me. In a very selfish act that was unrecognized by me at the time, I tried to take glory for the things that God and ONLY God could and did do.
I became part of the world that I tried to help pull these lost kids out of.
I lost my passion in life.
And here I am 4 years later - now a wife and mother - feeling the passion stir within me.
I can't say that this is my time, no. A friend of a friend pointed out that when we want to start movements, we never do.
I've learned this to be true. When I want to be great, I never am. When I want to be artistic, I fail. When I want to write, nothing comes out that makes sense. But when I let go and let God, that's when it happens.
It does not suprise me that I have talked my way back to the subject of letting go.
Everything happens on God's time, not ours.
And, that, makes for a peaceful closure for a blog. :)
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Deep Reflection
Here I am again, at a time of deep reflection.
Here I am again, at a cross road in my life.
I have recently joined a cause on myspace that has enabled me to share my faith, to share my story. This is all for the glory of God.
I have been wanting to get back into serving God, and a while back something that a friend of mine wrote spoke in volumes to me on serving God. This is what it spoke to me:
"We don't need the walls of a church to contain people so we can minister. We don't need to rely on the church to provide for us and maintain our ministry. Our ministry is here. Our ministry is now. Outside of church and in the world. We are called to the lost, not to just hang out with the found."
And, reality has sunk in that God can even use something as simple as facebook to connect us to a lost and dying world. God can use facebook for us to minister to other people.
I have a mix of emotions right now. Part of me wants to cry and the other part has full peace.
I have recently let go of something from my past that I have held on to. That gave me a beautiful release, and since then, I have experienced the passion I used to have.
Sometimes, I sit and think about "the way things used to be." Sometimes I look back to reminisce about a time when things weren't so complicated. I really miss those times.
But, I can't keep looking back.
Yes, there was a time when I was involved with the youth. I knew my purpose in life and I was fulfilling it. I was at peace, I felt free, and I was innocent.
I was so passionate about Christ and sharing the Gospel, and it was apparant. I walked the walk and talked the talk.
And then I came to a cross roads in my life. At that time, I made the wrong decision. I was exposed to different things and I lost my innocence. I entered into a state of confusion, a state of blindness.
I remember one night at church I grabbed my best friend and took her in the back room and broke down. I cried from deep within my soul. I was in a vulnerable state and I was scared. I asked for prayers. With a few other people having joined us, we prayed.
I thought that's all it took was a little bit of prayer, but I was wrong.
I stumbled and fell after that, then stumbled and fell some more. I would always try to pick myself back up and start again, but there came a point where I just gave up.
I gave into the fleshly desires of the world and I left all that I had known and truly loved behind.
Between here and there, I have learned a lot, I have seen a lot.
I learned that there are some people who are boastful about their faith - which sends the wrong message. Their loud and long prayers filled with elaborate words make me wonder if I should bring a dictionary just so I can comprehend what they are saying. "Thou, thee, thy..." I understand that it is the King James' version, but really, that's not how we talk 'round these here parts.
I have watched those same people, and they do great things, but for all the wrong reasons. Yes, its wonderful that you give your tithes and offerings, but how much you give is to be between you and God - that is a personal thing and I need not know and would like not to know how much it is. I am glad that you are financially blessed, but I have realized that bounty is not counted in materialistic things.
I don't want to see you at church just to see you. I don't want to make church seem like some after school activity. I mean, its great that you come, and I thank God for your faithful attendance, but, really. I know that fellowship is an important thing, don't get me wrong, but if you come just to be seen, your motives are wrong.
I can't point my fingers without some pointing back at me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect by any means. But I just don't understand why we have let things become so complicated.
God spoke to me the other night about "child-like faith."
Matthew 17:20 “...Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."
Do you know how small a mustard see is?
Simplicity, that's what it's about.
The more we know and the more we grow, the more complex we tend to make things, and all the while, if we would have kept it simple, we would be much better off.
Take for example the desciples. They're on a boat with Jesus when a storm comes. They start FREAKING out - all the while, Jesus is asleep. I can only imagine them running around, "Jesus, Master, save us, we're going to drown!" Jesus gets up and follows them to see the storm. He looks at them, looks back at the sea, then speaks to the sea, "Peace, be still."
That is all it took.
Here's the story:
Mark 4:35 On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, "Let us go across to the other side." 36And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him. 37And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. 38But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" 39And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. 40He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" 41And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, "Who then is this, that eventhe wind and the sea obey him?"
It should shout out in loud volumes, Jesus asking them, "Have you still no faith?"
When we go through our tough times, instead of looking for a way out, we need to look up.
During our hard times, it seems like our faith seems to falter, until we find ourselves at the point of barely hanging on and having only a small amount of faith. Do you think it is a coincodence? I don't.
We try to find the answers on our own. "Well, I seem to be stuck in this valley, how do I get out? Oh, I've got it! I'll build a ladder!" Then we side track trying to find the materials to build the ladder when Jesus said that all we had to do was speak to the mountain.
What mountains do you have in your life that you need to speak to?
Is it the mountain of anger?
Call those things that aren't as though they were.
You speak into your life. Your ministry doesn't start and stop with someone else, you CAN - and most likely will, and definately should - minister to yourself.
It is called FAITH.
Faith - 1. Belief; the assent of the mind to the truth of what is declared by another, resting solely and implicitly on his authority and veracity; reliance on testimony. 2. The assent of the mind to the statement or proposition of another, on the ground of the manifest truth of what he utters; firm and earnest belief, on probable evidence of any kind, especially in regard to important moral truth.
The faith of the gospel is that emotion of the mind which is called "trust" or "confidence" exercised toward the moral character of God, and particularly of the Savior. --Dr. T. Dwight.
Faith is an affectionate, practical confidence in the testimony of God. --J. Hawes.
I couldn't have put it better myself:
FaithFaith is in general the persuasion of the mind that a certain statement is true (Phil. 1:27; 2 Thess. 2:13). Its primary idea is trust. A thing is true, and therefore worthy of trust. It admits of many degrees up to full assurance of faith, in accordance with the evidence on which it rests. Faith is the result of teaching (Rom. 10:14-17). Knowledge is an essential element in all faith, and is sometimes spoken of as an equivalent to faith (John 10:38; 1 John 2:3). Yet the two are distinguished in this respect, that faith includes in it assent, which is an act of the will in addition to the act of the understanding. Assent to the truth is of the essence of faith, and the ultimate ground on which our assent to any revealed truth rests is the veracity of God. Historical faith is the apprehension of and assent to certain statements which are regarded as mere facts of history. Temporary faith is that state of mind which is awakened in men (e.g., Felix) by the exhibition of the truth and by the influence of religious sympathy, or by what is sometimes styled the common operation of the Holy Spirit. Saving faith is so called because it has eternal life inseparably connected with it. It cannot be better defined than in the words of the Assembly's Shorter Catechism: "Faith in Jesus Christ is a saving grace, whereby we receive and rest upon him alone for salvation, as he is offered to us in the gospel." The object of saving faith is the whole revealed Word of God. Faith accepts and believes it as the very truth most sure. But the special act of faith which unites to Christ has as its object the person and the work of the Lord Jesus Christ (John 7:38; Acts 16:31). This is the specific act of faith by which a sinner is justified before God (Rom. 3:22, 25; Gal. 2:16; Phil. 3:9; John 3:16-36; Acts 10:43; 16:31). In this act of faith the believer appropriates and rests on Christ alone as Mediator in all his offices. This assent to or belief in the truth received upon the divine testimony has always associated with it a deep sense of sin, a distinct view of Christ, a consenting will, and a loving heart, together with a reliance on, a trusting in, or resting in Christ. It is that state of mind in which a poor sinner, conscious of his sin, flees from his guilty self to Christ his Saviour, and rolls over the burden of all his sins on him. It consists chiefly, not in the assent given to the testimony of God in his Word, but in embracing with fiducial reliance and trust the one and only Saviour whom God reveals. This trust and reliance is of the essence of faith. By faith the believer directly and immediately appropriates Christ as his own. Faith in its direct act makes Christ ours. It is not a work which God graciously accepts instead of perfect obedience, but is only the hand by which we take hold of the person and work of our Redeemer as the only ground of our salvation. Saving faith is a moral act, as it proceeds from a renewed will, and a renewed will is necessary to believing assent to the truth of God (1 Cor. 2:14; 2 Cor. 4:4). Faith, therefore, has its seat in the moral part of our nature fully as much as in the intellectual. The mind must first be enlightened by divine teaching (John 6:44; Acts 13:48; 2 Cor. 4:6; Eph. 1:17, 18) before it can discern the things of the Spirit. Faith is necessary to our salvation (Mark 16:16), not because there is any merit in it, but simply because it is the sinner's taking the place assigned him by God, his falling in with what God is doing. The warrant or ground of faith is the divine testimony, not the reasonableness of what God says, but the simple fact that he says it. Faith rests immediately on, "Thus saith the Lord." But in order to this faith the veracity, sincerity, and truth of God must be owned and appreciated, together with his unchangeableness. God's word encourages and emboldens the sinner personally to transact with Christ as God's gift, to close with him, embrace him, give himself to Christ, and take Christ as his. That word comes with power, for it is the word of God who has revealed himself in his works, and especially in the cross. God is to be believed for his word's sake, but also for his name's sake. Faith in Christ secures for the believer freedom from condemnation, or justification before God; a participation in the life that is in Christ, the divine life (John 14:19; Rom. 6:4-10; Eph. 4:15,16, etc.); "peace with God" (Rom. 5:1); and sanctification (Acts 26:18; Gal. 5:6; Acts 15:9). All who thus believe in Christ will certainly be saved (John 6:37, 40; 10:27, 28; Rom. 8:1). The faith=the gospel (Acts 6:7; Rom. 1:5; Gal. 1:23; 1 Tim. 3:9; Jude 1:3).
Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary
Even the Bible confirms what I'm saying:
Psalm 116:6 The Lord protects those of childlike faith;I was facing death, and he saved me.
Whooo...God is speaking to me, let me share...
Isaiah 7:9 Unless your faith is firm,I cannot make you stand firm.
Matthew 21:21 Then Jesus told them, “I tell you the truth, if you have faith and don’t doubt, you can do things like this and much more. You can even say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen.
Matthew 21:22 You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it.
Mark 5:34 And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.”
And, more on faith:
Acts 20:21 I have had one message for Jews and Greeks alike—the necessity of repenting from sin and turning to God, and of having faith in our Lord Jesus.
Romans 10:17 So faith comes from hearing, that is, hearing the Good News about Christ.
Ephesians 3:12 Because of Christ and our faith in him, [ Or Because of Christ’s faithfulness.] we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence.
1 Timothy 1:19 Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear. For some people have deliberately violated their consciences; as a result, their faith has been shipwrecked.
1 Timothy 4:12 Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.
1 Timothy 6:12 Fight the good fight for the true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have confessed so well before many witnesses.
Hebrews 11:1 Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.
And that my friends, is one of the best ways to wrap this up.
Simply stated, have faith, grow in faith, walk in faith.
Here I am again, at a cross road in my life.
I have recently joined a cause on myspace that has enabled me to share my faith, to share my story. This is all for the glory of God.
I have been wanting to get back into serving God, and a while back something that a friend of mine wrote spoke in volumes to me on serving God. This is what it spoke to me:
"We don't need the walls of a church to contain people so we can minister. We don't need to rely on the church to provide for us and maintain our ministry. Our ministry is here. Our ministry is now. Outside of church and in the world. We are called to the lost, not to just hang out with the found."
And, reality has sunk in that God can even use something as simple as facebook to connect us to a lost and dying world. God can use facebook for us to minister to other people.
I have a mix of emotions right now. Part of me wants to cry and the other part has full peace.
I have recently let go of something from my past that I have held on to. That gave me a beautiful release, and since then, I have experienced the passion I used to have.
Sometimes, I sit and think about "the way things used to be." Sometimes I look back to reminisce about a time when things weren't so complicated. I really miss those times.
But, I can't keep looking back.
Yes, there was a time when I was involved with the youth. I knew my purpose in life and I was fulfilling it. I was at peace, I felt free, and I was innocent.
I was so passionate about Christ and sharing the Gospel, and it was apparant. I walked the walk and talked the talk.
And then I came to a cross roads in my life. At that time, I made the wrong decision. I was exposed to different things and I lost my innocence. I entered into a state of confusion, a state of blindness.
I remember one night at church I grabbed my best friend and took her in the back room and broke down. I cried from deep within my soul. I was in a vulnerable state and I was scared. I asked for prayers. With a few other people having joined us, we prayed.
I thought that's all it took was a little bit of prayer, but I was wrong.
I stumbled and fell after that, then stumbled and fell some more. I would always try to pick myself back up and start again, but there came a point where I just gave up.
I gave into the fleshly desires of the world and I left all that I had known and truly loved behind.
Between here and there, I have learned a lot, I have seen a lot.
I learned that there are some people who are boastful about their faith - which sends the wrong message. Their loud and long prayers filled with elaborate words make me wonder if I should bring a dictionary just so I can comprehend what they are saying. "Thou, thee, thy..." I understand that it is the King James' version, but really, that's not how we talk 'round these here parts.
I have watched those same people, and they do great things, but for all the wrong reasons. Yes, its wonderful that you give your tithes and offerings, but how much you give is to be between you and God - that is a personal thing and I need not know and would like not to know how much it is. I am glad that you are financially blessed, but I have realized that bounty is not counted in materialistic things.
I don't want to see you at church just to see you. I don't want to make church seem like some after school activity. I mean, its great that you come, and I thank God for your faithful attendance, but, really. I know that fellowship is an important thing, don't get me wrong, but if you come just to be seen, your motives are wrong.
I can't point my fingers without some pointing back at me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect by any means. But I just don't understand why we have let things become so complicated.
God spoke to me the other night about "child-like faith."
Matthew 17:20 “...Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."
Do you know how small a mustard see is?
Simplicity, that's what it's about.
The more we know and the more we grow, the more complex we tend to make things, and all the while, if we would have kept it simple, we would be much better off.
Take for example the desciples. They're on a boat with Jesus when a storm comes. They start FREAKING out - all the while, Jesus is asleep. I can only imagine them running around, "Jesus, Master, save us, we're going to drown!" Jesus gets up and follows them to see the storm. He looks at them, looks back at the sea, then speaks to the sea, "Peace, be still."
That is all it took.
Here's the story:
Mark 4:35 On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, "Let us go across to the other side." 36And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him. 37And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. 38But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" 39And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. 40He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" 41And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, "Who then is this, that eventhe wind and the sea obey him?"
It should shout out in loud volumes, Jesus asking them, "Have you still no faith?"
When we go through our tough times, instead of looking for a way out, we need to look up.
During our hard times, it seems like our faith seems to falter, until we find ourselves at the point of barely hanging on and having only a small amount of faith. Do you think it is a coincodence? I don't.
We try to find the answers on our own. "Well, I seem to be stuck in this valley, how do I get out? Oh, I've got it! I'll build a ladder!" Then we side track trying to find the materials to build the ladder when Jesus said that all we had to do was speak to the mountain.
What mountains do you have in your life that you need to speak to?
Is it the mountain of anger?
Call those things that aren't as though they were.
You speak into your life. Your ministry doesn't start and stop with someone else, you CAN - and most likely will, and definately should - minister to yourself.
It is called FAITH.
Faith - 1. Belief; the assent of the mind to the truth of what is declared by another, resting solely and implicitly on his authority and veracity; reliance on testimony. 2. The assent of the mind to the statement or proposition of another, on the ground of the manifest truth of what he utters; firm and earnest belief, on probable evidence of any kind, especially in regard to important moral truth.
The faith of the gospel is that emotion of the mind which is called "trust" or "confidence" exercised toward the moral character of God, and particularly of the Savior. --Dr. T. Dwight.
Faith is an affectionate, practical confidence in the testimony of God. --J. Hawes.
I couldn't have put it better myself:
FaithFaith is in general the persuasion of the mind that a certain statement is true (Phil. 1:27; 2 Thess. 2:13). Its primary idea is trust. A thing is true, and therefore worthy of trust. It admits of many degrees up to full assurance of faith, in accordance with the evidence on which it rests. Faith is the result of teaching (Rom. 10:14-17). Knowledge is an essential element in all faith, and is sometimes spoken of as an equivalent to faith (John 10:38; 1 John 2:3). Yet the two are distinguished in this respect, that faith includes in it assent, which is an act of the will in addition to the act of the understanding. Assent to the truth is of the essence of faith, and the ultimate ground on which our assent to any revealed truth rests is the veracity of God. Historical faith is the apprehension of and assent to certain statements which are regarded as mere facts of history. Temporary faith is that state of mind which is awakened in men (e.g., Felix) by the exhibition of the truth and by the influence of religious sympathy, or by what is sometimes styled the common operation of the Holy Spirit. Saving faith is so called because it has eternal life inseparably connected with it. It cannot be better defined than in the words of the Assembly's Shorter Catechism: "Faith in Jesus Christ is a saving grace, whereby we receive and rest upon him alone for salvation, as he is offered to us in the gospel." The object of saving faith is the whole revealed Word of God. Faith accepts and believes it as the very truth most sure. But the special act of faith which unites to Christ has as its object the person and the work of the Lord Jesus Christ (John 7:38; Acts 16:31). This is the specific act of faith by which a sinner is justified before God (Rom. 3:22, 25; Gal. 2:16; Phil. 3:9; John 3:16-36; Acts 10:43; 16:31). In this act of faith the believer appropriates and rests on Christ alone as Mediator in all his offices. This assent to or belief in the truth received upon the divine testimony has always associated with it a deep sense of sin, a distinct view of Christ, a consenting will, and a loving heart, together with a reliance on, a trusting in, or resting in Christ. It is that state of mind in which a poor sinner, conscious of his sin, flees from his guilty self to Christ his Saviour, and rolls over the burden of all his sins on him. It consists chiefly, not in the assent given to the testimony of God in his Word, but in embracing with fiducial reliance and trust the one and only Saviour whom God reveals. This trust and reliance is of the essence of faith. By faith the believer directly and immediately appropriates Christ as his own. Faith in its direct act makes Christ ours. It is not a work which God graciously accepts instead of perfect obedience, but is only the hand by which we take hold of the person and work of our Redeemer as the only ground of our salvation. Saving faith is a moral act, as it proceeds from a renewed will, and a renewed will is necessary to believing assent to the truth of God (1 Cor. 2:14; 2 Cor. 4:4). Faith, therefore, has its seat in the moral part of our nature fully as much as in the intellectual. The mind must first be enlightened by divine teaching (John 6:44; Acts 13:48; 2 Cor. 4:6; Eph. 1:17, 18) before it can discern the things of the Spirit. Faith is necessary to our salvation (Mark 16:16), not because there is any merit in it, but simply because it is the sinner's taking the place assigned him by God, his falling in with what God is doing. The warrant or ground of faith is the divine testimony, not the reasonableness of what God says, but the simple fact that he says it. Faith rests immediately on, "Thus saith the Lord." But in order to this faith the veracity, sincerity, and truth of God must be owned and appreciated, together with his unchangeableness. God's word encourages and emboldens the sinner personally to transact with Christ as God's gift, to close with him, embrace him, give himself to Christ, and take Christ as his. That word comes with power, for it is the word of God who has revealed himself in his works, and especially in the cross. God is to be believed for his word's sake, but also for his name's sake. Faith in Christ secures for the believer freedom from condemnation, or justification before God; a participation in the life that is in Christ, the divine life (John 14:19; Rom. 6:4-10; Eph. 4:15,16, etc.); "peace with God" (Rom. 5:1); and sanctification (Acts 26:18; Gal. 5:6; Acts 15:9). All who thus believe in Christ will certainly be saved (John 6:37, 40; 10:27, 28; Rom. 8:1). The faith=the gospel (Acts 6:7; Rom. 1:5; Gal. 1:23; 1 Tim. 3:9; Jude 1:3).
Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary
Even the Bible confirms what I'm saying:
Psalm 116:6 The Lord protects those of childlike faith;I was facing death, and he saved me.
Whooo...God is speaking to me, let me share...
Isaiah 7:9 Unless your faith is firm,I cannot make you stand firm.
Matthew 21:21 Then Jesus told them, “I tell you the truth, if you have faith and don’t doubt, you can do things like this and much more. You can even say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen.
Matthew 21:22 You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it.
Mark 5:34 And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.”
And, more on faith:
Acts 20:21 I have had one message for Jews and Greeks alike—the necessity of repenting from sin and turning to God, and of having faith in our Lord Jesus.
Romans 10:17 So faith comes from hearing, that is, hearing the Good News about Christ.
Ephesians 3:12 Because of Christ and our faith in him, [ Or Because of Christ’s faithfulness.] we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence.
1 Timothy 1:19 Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear. For some people have deliberately violated their consciences; as a result, their faith has been shipwrecked.
1 Timothy 4:12 Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.
1 Timothy 6:12 Fight the good fight for the true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have confessed so well before many witnesses.
Hebrews 11:1 Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.
And that my friends, is one of the best ways to wrap this up.
Simply stated, have faith, grow in faith, walk in faith.
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